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America vs. The World

The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart. — Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Mandasaurus for Attorney General? Yes.

Who better than Mandasaurus to help the struggling Department of Justice put the thrill back in the Bill of Rights?

Since Alberto Gonzalez resigned to pursue the American dream of consulting and waiting for a Supreme Court nomination from Neverland, I must take action. Pick me. I'm in.

I've been hoping for a better cabinet appointment, or even a crappy one in a democratic White House, but here I am, and here's why:
  • I am not part of a fake Supreme Court. Texas' Supreme Court cannot possibly count in the same league as the United States Supreme Court which I witnessed live, in action this year as they heard the famous Bong Hits 4 Jesus Case. Seeing the real Scotus do something is worth, like, triple the points of being on a fake Supreme Court.
  • Being seventh in the line of presidential succession assures me Secret Service attention.
  • When I eavesdrop it is warranted. I only eavesdrop on buses or locker rooms or at work. And I'm not very sly so it's not at all a surprise to anyone that I've heard them. I don't like to do things without warrant. Warrant is the way to go.
  • I am very direct. I can answer any of your questions now.
  • Whether speaking to the Judiciary Committee of the U.S. Senate or to a bum on the street I would not say this. Ever:

    GONZALES: The fact that the Constitution — again, there is no express grant of habeas in the Constitution. There is a prohibition against taking it away. But it’s never been the case, and I’m not a Supreme —

    SPECTER: Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute. The Constitution says you can’t take it away, except in the case of rebellion or invasion. Doesn’t that mean you have the right of habeas corpus, unless there is an invasion or rebellion?
  • If someone said that to me I would say, as my father often says, "That idea sounds rather half-baked, Benjamin." (My name is not Benjamin.)
  • I mean what I say and I say what I mean.
  • I love our Bill of Rights and our Constitution. If I'm Attorney General and you want to screw around with my rights??? Oh, no! I'll stop you quick.
  • I am completely willing to be a A.G. Superhero, if need be. In fact, my sunglasses are so big, I'm almost a superhero already.
OK, Senate, call me up for the confirmation hearings. I'll tell it like it is and we'll get along like stars and stripes.
Jeff Goldstein is a wanker.