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America vs. The World

The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart. — Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Tuesday, May 01, 2007

"If we leave Iraq, Al-Qaida wins"

A fictional speech by Bush, inspired by the famous Patton speech (I changed less than you'd think)

Now, I want you to remember that no bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for freedom.

Men, all this stuff you’ve heard about America not wanting to fight, about getting kicked out of Iraq or the Texas Air National Guard, is a lot of horse dung. Americans traditionally love to fight. All real Americans love the sting of battle. Just look at that Virginia Tech kid.

When you were kids, you all admired the big league ball player, the Texas cowboy, the male cheerleader. Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser. Americans play to win all the time. I wouldn’t give a hoot in hell for a liberal who lost and laughed. That’s why Americans have never lost and will never lose a war on my watch. Because the very thought of losing is hateful to democracy.

Now, democracy is a team. It lives, eats, sleeps, fights for one party. This bipartisan stuff is a bunch of hooey. Harry Reid doesn’t know any more about real battle than he does about fornicating.

We have the best freedom, the best strategery and the hottest women in the world. You know, I actually pity those poor terrorists we’re going up against. By Jesus, I do. We’re not just going to shoot the bastards, we’re going to throw hoods over their heads and put alligator clips on their genitals.

Now, some of you boys, I know, are wondering whether or not you'll cut and run under pressure. Don't worry about it. I can assure you that you will all do your duty. Terrorists are the enemy. Kill those nappy-headed hoes. Spill their blood. When you put your hand into a bunch of goo that a moment before was democracy, you'll know what to do.

Now there’s another thing I want you to remember. I don’t want to hear the media saying that we are holding our position. We’re not holding anything. We are staying the course and we’re not interested in holding onto anything except freedom. We're going to go through Al-Qaida like freedom through a goose.

There’s one thing that you men will be able to say when you get back home, and you may thank Jesus for it. Thirty years from now when you’re sitting around your fireside with your grandson on your knee and he asks you what did you do in the great War of Freedom, you won’t have to say, "Well, I shoveled organic shit in California."

Alright now, you know how I feel about September the 11th. And I will be proud to lead you wonderful guys into battle — anytime, anywhere.

Let's roll.
Jeff Goldstein is a wanker.