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America vs. The World

The big trouble with dumb bastards is that they are too dumb to believe there is such a thing as being smart. — Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Best. Sex Scandal. Ever.

(updated below)

The Republican Party has been quietly imploding for a while now, but with all the school shootings and JonBenet Ramsey news, it's been hard to notice. What we've needed is a good old-fashioned sex scandal.

Thank you, Mark Foley! Seriously, thank you — the public (and more importantly, the press) doesn't really care about government until someone gets his dick sucked. We're not there yet, but man oh man, is this the gift that keeps on giving. If you were going to design the perfect sex scandal to drop right on some moralizing Republican heads, what would be some of the key elements?

Well first, it would have to be a gay scandal. Seeing as how homosexuals are the gravest threat to the nation since Larry Flynt, it'd be nice to find out one of their own has been helping destroy America. Check.

Second, since the Republican leadership was so absolutely appalled by Bill Clinton having an affair with a 22 year old, the objects of Congressional affection here should be underage. Check.

Hmm. What else? How about if the very same people who lorded their moral superiority over Clinton were themselves involved in a coverup? Check.

I'm telling you, this is the best. It's like one of those Russian dolls, except every time you pull out the smaller doll inside, it's a member of Congress doing something depraved.

Audio recordings would be nice. But instead, what about some nasty instant message exchanges? Check:
Maf54 (7:46:33 PM): did any girl give you a haand job this weekend

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:38 PM): lol no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:40 PM): im single right now

Xxxxxxxxx (7:46:57 PM): my last gf and i broke up a few weeks agi

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): are you

Maf54 (7:47:11 PM): good so your getting horny

Xxxxxxxxx (7:47:29 PM): lol...a bit

Maf54 (7:48:00 PM): did you spank it this weekend yourself

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:04 PM): no

Xxxxxxxxx (7:48:16 PM): been too tired and too busy

Maf54 (7:48:33 PM): wow...

Maf54 (7:48:34 PM): i am never to busy haha
See, that's why I always turn on encryption before engaging in online pedophilia. (Note: The chats are much funnier if you imagine Foley saying everything in an Austin Powers voice.)

So, did Foley go beyond just instant messaging? Well, here's where I stop rooting for the scandal. It's one thing to cheer on the self-immolation of the "values party," it's another to hope that a nasty old man got his hands, and other parts, on a 16-year-old kid. But this exchange doesn't sound good:
Maf54: I miss you lots since san diego.

Teen: ya I cant wait til dc

Maf54: :)

Teen: did you pick a night for dinner

Maf54: not yet...but likely Friday

Teen: ok...ill plan for Friday then

Maf54: that will be fun

Maf54: I want to see you

Teen: Like I said not til feb...then we will go to dinner

Maf54: and then what happens

Teen: we eat...we drink...who knows...hang out...late into the night

Maf54: and

Teen: I dunno

Maf54: dunno what

Teen: hmmm I have the feeling that you are fishing not sure what I would be comfortable with...well see
Ugh. Leave it to a Republican to ruin a sex scandal for me. But I'm sure that we haven't heard the last, not by a long shot; the media is all over this. All you future politicians, remember: it's OK to mislead the country into war, litter the government with incompetents, embrace corruption like it's a hobby and run the national debt through the roof — but don't, under any circumstances, lie about your penis.


More nasty instant messages are out. I could update this post endlessly, of course, but Josh Marshall's TPM Muckraker is a good place to start for the latest Foley news.

I mostly wanted to include the snippet below. Glenn Greenwald isn't exactly the funniest blogger around, but I thought this was hilarious.
The Big Revelation has not yet occurred. That is going to be the first confirmed report of Foley's having actual, in-person sex with one of the pages. At this point, there is no doubt that he did so. He wasn't inviting them over to his apartment to drink alcohol in order to watch television with them. Still, that hasn't been reported yet. We've been building up to it incrementally and Brian Ross is, I have no doubt, scouring his inbox at this moment for the lead that will take him there.

These endless, incremental disclosures are much more painful for the Republicans — not unlike Chinese Water Torture (which, coincidentally enough, is a technique that the President now has the power to use, thanks in part to legislation approved last week by Denny Hastert, John Boehner, Tom Reynolds and Mark Foley).


Blogger Mandasaurus said...

Republicans are really good at ignoring things. Or fake ignoring things.

Maybe someone should tell them to stop ignoring the fact that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is extremely overweight. It's not healthy. Even a fake doctor like Bill Frist can tell you that.

Hastert - he's fat.

Anonymous JC said...

This is the best scandal I can remember! I love it when the GOP steps on themselves. At least Monica was old enough to vote.

Dennis Hastert was a wrestling coach in Illinois. Evidently, while wrestlers have to make weight, their coaches do not.

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